housewife

I have realized that I am not the housewife that I should/need to be. I have realized this before and have fallen off the bandwagon again. You would think I would have learned the first time.

Today was a rough day. I felt like a horrible wife. I pushed myself to the max to try to get some things done around here. I didn't accompolish my goal. I failed, yet again.

I spent much of my afternoon in tears, then they would stop and I would start thinking again and more tears would start. I just couldn't seem to stop crying once I started. It was rough.

I am going to try better. I'm also going to try not to be so hard on myself. I'm going to try to be a better housewife.

Life

Sometimes life just plain old sucks. Other times it's really great.

While I do try to find the positives in life sometimes it isn't always easy. I think of friends and family that have lost a loved one. What they are dealing with. I listen to people close to me vent and say what is going on in their life and I just feel for them. I feel for them and what they have to go through. I wish sometimes life would be so simpler. There seems to be so much going on all at once and sometimes I have a hard time reminding myself to keep it simple and think of the positives. I do have a lot to be thankful for but don't we all have days where sometimes, just sometimes it is hard to find those things to be thankful for.

For example, you have a rough sleep. It seems you are awake more then you sleep. You have to get up earlier then wanting to. Getting ready just doesn't go as smoothly as hoped. Then you be honest and say what's on your mind and get grumbled at for doing so, then it feels like your heart gets ripped out of your chest and you feel awful for the rest of the day. This seems to be life. Is it a normal part of life? Ya, probably for some, for others maybe not so much. As the day goes on your little one just brightens your day. Gives you those hugs and kisses, galore! Tries all on his own to swim (with armbands on), so precious, rollerblades like crazy and does a fabulous job. Then it's time for a goodnight kiss and the day is suddenly gone. Then you realize that you do have a lot to be thankful for. You have clothes to wear, food to eat, legs to walk, a bed to sleep in, eyes to see, ears to hear and so much more. What are you thankful for today? Even when life gets you down, try to remember the positive things in your life. Whether they are huge or even little. God does wonderful things even when we least expect it.

(photo taken summer of 2010)

truth

Why is it when we tell the truth we tend to get in trouble?
Sometimes it seems as though when we tell the truth we end up getting hurt ourselves in the end.
I grew up being taught to tell the truth, it's the right thing to do but sometimes I find myself in a spot that it's just better to keep my mouth shut. Then what? Should I say what is on my mind or just keep quiet?

Mommy, I miss Grampie!

While trying to get the little guy settled for bed tonight, he sure had a lot of tears. I hope that he isn't getting the sinus pains that I have had the last couple of days. In the meantime, I was sitting on the couch and hear the little guy get out of bed. I could hear the sobbing cries he was making. So I called him downstairs. On the way downstairs he cried and cried, I miss Grampie. I just want to play with him. If it wasn't for the fact that it was way after bedtime, I probably would have called his Grampie to set up a playdate. We will have to make connections in the next few days and both 'boys' will be extremly happy. Jack absolutely LOVES spending time with his Grampie (my dad). He loves that Grampie will play with him. They will play some air hockey, mini hockey sticks in the livingroom, train table, play outside & spend as much time together as they can. I know and can tell that they both cherish the time that they have together. Even though Jack isn't quite 4 he knows that his Grampie is so important to him and he loves him so much. Grampie usually ends up in many of Jack's conversations.

taking things for granted

Ever find you take way too many things for granted? I do and many times I need to remember to remind myself that I shouldn't. Really why do we do that?

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult. Spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. My great uncle passed away and then a very good friend passed away. I cried, I lost sleep, I hardly ate some days because I was so sad.

Recently I have wanted to kick myself in the butt because many times I have found myself saying, "I can talk to that person tomorrow or I can go visit them another day, etc, etc.". Well for some people tomorrow never comes and that's when reality sets in.

This is what happened to me. We were looking forward to inviting our friend to the car races. We talked with him last summer and he so wanted to go and be there. So this year my husband and I talked many times and we were so excited. We were going to call him up, tell him he was coming and go to the car races. We were going to do this a week before the races, which was the day he passed away. My heart broke. My heart broke for my loss, for my husbands loss (because he too was excited to go to the races with our friend) and it broke for our friends wife and family.

Today was a good but hard day. We ventured to the car races, without our friend. Mind you, I'm sure he's looking down from heaven and can watch the races whenever he wants but I missed him. I missed the chance/opportunity that we were hoping to have. The excitement that he would have shown in his face. The excitement I remember seeing the time we talked to him about the races.
I found myself today thinking of that and fighting to hold back the tears while sitting in a stand watching the car races.

I have to remind myself to not take things & people for granted. They won't always be here for us or when we want/need them. Things will not always happen the way we want them too or when we want them too. I need to constantly remind myself of this.

Thankful Wednesday

In the midst of everything that has been going on lately, I find that I need to remind myself to be thankful.

Dad reminded me of one thing to be thankful for. He said, we need to remember that Heaven is having a huge party right now. He's right. Heaven is, they received a wonderful man. It's hard though because to us it wasn't his (Dub's) time to go, but yet God was ready to take him home. It reminds me of when my mom passed away. I wasn't ready for her to go but God was. He has a plan and a reason. What that plan and reason is, I haven't quite figured that out, yet. I miss mom everyday.

I'm thankful for the sun today. The sun is shining brightly, there is a nice breeze blowing and we are able to enjoy and breathe in the fresh air.

I'm thankful for being able to provide and put food on the table. Food has gotten quite costly, so I am finding myself to be more careful with what I purchase. I am watching for coupons and try to use them when the opportunity arises.

I'm thankful for time with my son. Thankful that I am able to stay at home and watch him grow. I love the time that I have with him.

a child

(photo taken during the summer of 2009)

Sometimes it takes a child to bring a smile to your face.
Sometimes it takes a child to bring tears to your eyes.
Sometimes it takes a child to put things into perspective.
Sometimes it takes a child to just completely melt your heart.
Sometimes it takes a child to say, everything will be ok.

Sometimes that child is mine.

Tonight was a special night. We were at a friends place. Her husband just passed away. My son was putting the pieces together. We had talked, we told him on Sunday that mommy was sad because a friend had died. Well tonight when we were there visiting he needed to go to the bathroom and just before we left he said to me: Mommy does she live here all by herself? I said yes, she does now, that is why sometimes we are sad today. He said, did he die? I said yes. He's in heaven with Nannie and they are with Jesus. He was content with that but when we got home he had to call his Grampie (my dad) because he missed him. It's times like these that puts things into perspective for me. These are moments that I do cherish and love even if they are during hard times.

and he is gone....

I find it so hard to believe that he's gone. Such a shock, so sad, so fast. Dub will always be missed. Always. He was a great dad (not mine) but yet he was always that person that I knew I could look up to. He was an awesome grand-dad, relative & friend. If you needed someone to talk to, he was there.

Dub and I have many great memories together. Memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. There were days when I wanted to relive those memories. I spent numerous hours at his house, drinking hot chocolate. He always made it extra hot, I think that was so I would spend hours at his place talking to him, listening to him talk, etc etc.

I delivered his newspaper and each day (when he was able to be at home) he always looked forward to me stopping by. The days that I couldn't stay, he always seemed a bit sad. Many times I would deliver everyone else's newspaper as fast as I could and leave his until the end so I could have my daily visit with him.

Definitely thinking & praying for the family.

quiet

saddness
sick feeling in my stomach
loneliness
cold
chills
tears
heartache
brokenness
please, no more death... I can't take it right now. My great uncle passed away last saturday. Heart failure is what I have heard. He was found dead outside at his house.
now this....please I need to see a miracle.